Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
