I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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