after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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