Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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