perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
