I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
