her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
