I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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