mondays should just be called national damage control day
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We are all done wearing pants today
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
