so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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