If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
