Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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