btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
