happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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