Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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