There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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