Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
