I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
