I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
