how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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