I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
