Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
