The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
