This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
