A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
