I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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