WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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