His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
