Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize