I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
