Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
soo... how was my night?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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