If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
