You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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