Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
