so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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