i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
