i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
