I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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