turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
