Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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