my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
