Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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