apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
