I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
