it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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