you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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