Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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