If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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