I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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