Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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