6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
