There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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