Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
