I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize