he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
