Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
